When a "Man" "Loves" a "Woman"

#QuoteOfTheDay "Love is when you want what you need and need what you want."-Keay Nigel

As a person whose inner philosopher has been pondering the appropriate/accurate definition and measure of romantic love for the past several weeks, I was pleasantly surprised when I found the quote above in an old blog entitled "The Difference Between Needing, Wanting And Loving Somebody" that I saw posted on social media this past weekend (read the full blog for yourself here: http://elitedaily.com/dating/difference-needing-wanting-loving-somebody/936704/ OR you can scroll down to the bottom of my blog for the quoted full text *smiles*).

Even though the title/subject-matter piqued my attention on late Friday night/early Saturday morning, my thumb kept scrolling down the screen of my phone. My emotional mental note got lost in my physical exhaustion and relocation planning. The ENTIRE weekend passed WITHOUT me remembering to scroll back up to click the link & read the article. It wasn't until I #NOTsoRandomly overheard an American Idol contestant belt out Percy Sledge's "When a Man Loves a Woman" from my Aunt's TV while I was getting ready for bed on Monday night that a mental domino effect (and the loveliness of a simple keyword Google search) lead me right to what I hoped to find.

Heteronormative affectational and sexual orientations aside, I think that for the romantically-inclined humans among us, the selfless, nurturing, protective and sustaining nature expressed in the lyrics are a kind of "gold standard" for what love could/should be. HOWEVER, there are some FATAL LIMITATIONS to the song's logic:

-Mutuality/reciprocity is NOT even mentioned (for goodness sake, does the woman really even love the man back?!?!?!)
-The song doesn't even consider how the perhaps one-sided nature of the man's affection could actually be creating and maintaining a physically, mentally, emotionally and financially UNHEALTHY situation (NN: real love appreciates a willingness to sacrifice for the "greater good." BUT, it does NOT abuse it)
-Some of the behaviors of the woman the man loves are behaviors that shouldn't exist even in a truly loving relationship (e.g. real love will NOT play you for a fool)

So, for those of us seeking to bring our (presumably) happy, healthy, whole individual selves to co-develop life-long, happy, healthy, whole romantic relationships, we might need to reframe how and what we think about love. In fact, I dare the self-aware lover reading this who may periodically question whether they love someone to remove the distorting lenses that are their ego and fear to introspectively probe for the answers to these questions:

Q: Are you and your partner each giving your best, equally sacrificial effort in your romantic relationship?

Q: Can you emotionally and physically flourish without the person you say you love?

Q: Does nostalgia/familiarity, obligation or comfort play a substantial role in why you feel compelled to stay in your romantic relationship?

Q: Is the person you love someone you can unconditionally honor, trust, respect and forgive for the rest of your lives together?

Q: Do you REALLY love your significant other OR do you love the IDEA of loving them?

Q: Are struggles/challenges of life building your "love" up OR tearing it down?

Q: Even though you care for your significant other deeply, do you wonder if you can spend the rest of your life with them as they are today (because there is no guarantee the behaviors and/or mindsets that bother you will ever change for the better & could possibly change for the worse)?

Q: Are you willing to risk the tangible good you have right now (which may in some ways be the best or only romantic love you've ever had) for the intangible potential of a greater/deeper connection at an unknown time/place in the possibly distant future?

I am sure there are many people staring at a figurative fork in the road head of them. I wholeheartedly ENCOURAGE you to continue the hard work of wrestling internally to figure out definitive answers to those questions. Time will tell if what you desire the answers to be are truly aligned with the truth of your headspace and heart-space.

While I personally continue embarking along my journey to honor my own truth regarding (romantic) love, I can say that so far in my twenty-nine years of life that:

(1.) I know what it's like to want to love someone.
(2.) I have also partially experienced the paradoxical "burden" turned inexplicable joy AND healthy, interdependent vulnerability that is needing to want someone.
(3.) Ultimately, I believe I will know that the kind of love I want (and need) exists when the one I claim to love (and be in love with) and I can genuinely, unequivocally, reciprocally and unconditionally express every word (and underlying essence) of the lyrics to Amel Larrieux's "No One Else" song from the transparent depths of our souls:

"Swift as a wind song
You sang the music of an honest bird
I waited for some contradiction
But, truth was ringing in your every word
and every moment since then
the one thing I can tell
is that I belong with you and no one else

Lay down those heavy burdens
on the banks of this river deep
know that every piece of your past
is always some place safe with me
and there's no room for judgement
I want you as yourself
cause I belong with you
and no one else

We have both been broken
bent into painful shapes
We almost let those old fears carry over and get in our way
every struggle just makes our love get stronger than it was yesterday

So here we are now
ain't it lucky we survived it all
searching for self in seperate rivers
ending up in the same waterfall
and when we're gray and wiser
the story I will tell is that I belong with you
and no one, no one else,

I belong I belong with you and no no no one and no one else
I belong with you and no one, no one else"

***
Full Text of Keay Nigel's "The Difference Between Needing, Wanting And Loving Somebody" as found at http://elitedaily.com/dating/difference-needing-wanting-loving-somebody/936704/ :

"Recently a close friend called to tell me that she’s breaking up with her fiancé, who she has been with for six years.

They got engaged just last year and were even planning to buy a new house together.

Of course, it came as a huge shock, as I had always thought everything was running so perfectly for her (or, at least, that’s how it seemed on her social media).

I remember she met her now ex boyfriend/fiancé during freshmen year of college. He was her “first love,” as she had never had a boyfriend before him. All her friends, including myself, were really happy for her.

The two of them stuck together for the whole four years of college, and even went on a graduation trip to Europe together afterward.

Then, she moved to another state for work and they began a long-distance relationship. That arrangement lasted for just over one year before they got back to living in the same city again. And before long, he proposed, she said yes and they got engaged.

Everything was “going according to plan,” like most fairytales we know that center around the idea of first loves and happily ever afters.

But then, like a cruel twist of fate, things began to change. My friend suddenly fell out of love with the person she would marry.

“How do you know if you are still in love with someone, or if you’re staying because of the familiarity?” she asked me over the phone.

At the time, I was pretty taken aback by her frankness. “Give me a moment to think about it. I want to give a clear answer to you,” I replied. And, after a minute or two of awkward silence on the phone, this is how I broke it down for her:

There’s a difference between wanting somebody/something and needing something/someone.

Here’s an analogy: You want a Prada bag, but you don’t exactly need one. Of course, your desire for that particular thing you want can be weak or strong, depending on several things.

You may want something really badly, with every ounce of strength that you possess, or you may only want it half-heartedly. On the other hand, you need oxygen; there is no real desire for it, but you have to have it, nonetheless, for survival.

Of course, there are circumstances in which a need may become a want. For instance, when you’re drowning, the need for oxygen gets so strong that the need becomes want.

In those few seconds, you want oxygen like you want your life — literally. Often, we only truly appreciate the value and necessity of some things only when we lose them, don’t we?

Want and need can be really different, but at times, pretty similar. So, what is love? Here’s the answer to the million-dollar question: Love is when you want what you need and need what you want.

Now, let me spell it out for you further. I believe most love relationships start out with a state of wanting. When you fall in love, you want the other person very, very much.

And then slowly, over time, as you love, you also become more and more accustomed to that person, so much so that you might even feel as though you can’t live without him or her. This is when want becomes need. When you want and need something simultaneously, you can call it love.

When you truly love someone, you know that you want him or her. You can feel that craving in the depth of your soul and in every nerve and every fiber of your physical being. It may feel almost like an addiction or an unyielding obsession.

You know that there is lust, but there is also something more. It’s something that truly satisfies, yet leaves you wanting more. Indeed, love can leave you in a vulnerable state. Perhaps this is where “want” transcends into “need.”

It’s when you have become so dependent on the other person for your emotional and physical demands that you can’t live properly if he or she disappeared from your life completely.

With this person, you can feel a sense of familiarity and assurance that comes with his or her acceptance of you. You feel safe with him or her.

In a way, love can become a comfort zone, a refuge you can run to. Though, in another way, it can also be a dangerous place where you might get yourself or the other party really hurt.

After a breakup, it’s unavoidable that you will feel slightly needy because now that you’re out of your comfort zone, you just want to feel safe again.

My friend did admit to me that in her head, she didn’t want her ex as a boyfriend or lover anymore, yet in her heart, she still had feelings for him, and thus she felt deeply perplexed.

“This is not love that you’re feeling,” I tried to explain, “It’s nostalgia. Even if you were to get back together after he comes begging at your feet, you might be satisfied for a while, but you won’t stay satisfied for long.

Because, in the end, he is still not what you want. He was, but that’s the past. You loved him, but now, you don’t. Now you feel like you need him only because he’s part of what that feels familiar.

Undeniably, he’s the safer choice, compared to being single again after such a long time. But, I can assure you that if you settle for this half-assed love, you are risking nothing but your future happiness.”

My friend knew that I was right, and I knew I was right, too. Yet, I was also fully aware that it might be slightly hypocritical of me to set such high bars for her. At the end of the day, it’s not me who will suffer the consequences of my advice — she will.

Still, I wouldn’t have given her advice that I would not personally follow. No one said going through breakups is easy, let alone leaving the person you thought you would marry. Yet, it’s definitely better than running away on the wedding day, right?

The truth is, love is never completely black and white. In fact, I think 80 percent of it is grey matter. Love can fade just as quickly as it can surge and fill your entire being with its magical feelings of happiness and bliss.

Lust is part of love, but love cannot be defined solely by the feeling of wanting someone. Desires can be ephemeral, just like feelings are mercurial.

And, when you need someone but do not have that insatiable want for him or her, it could be nostalgia or just lazy dependency.

Don’t settle for less. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone in search of a person who could be better for you either. Like they say, you accept the love you think you deserve.

Take some time and think about it. Some things are better late than never, and love is certainly one of them."

Weather & Hearts

The weather pattern during my commute from NC to MD this morning was incredibly symbolic! My heart was so full that I decided to spend an hour capturing my thoughts in words instead of taking a nap before work (and my work day stretched late into the evening; so, I BARELY finished expressing my thoughts before the calendar day changed...SMH/LOLOL).

ABOUT MY COMMUTE:

When I hit the road just before 3a, it was raining. At several points along I-85, the rain intensified. I kept seeing several cars pass me by on the interstate. Although I was tempted to keep pace, I begrudgingly decided to do 35 MPH in a 65 MPH zone (oh, the precautions you take when you've only slept for five hours and it's nearing the time to buy new tires as well as brake pads...WELP). #message -> stay in your lane and go at your own pace. Don't covet the apparent good fortune of others. You will arrive when and how you ought.

Once I crossed the VA state line around 4a, the rain ceased. But, in its place was a terribly dense fog (visibility had to be less than one-quarter of a mile; from where I was in the Saab I couldn't even see the next mile-marker that was only one-tenth of a mile away). 

Eddie Kendrick's "He's a Friend" came on Google Play around 5a while I pulled into a gas station to fill up, freshen up and wait to see if the fog was going to lift a bit. After short while passed, I realized the fog wasn't going anywhere fast. So, I chatted with my good friend King Jesus. I got back on the road and slowly rejoined my fellow wee hour travelers. 

As I cautiously made my way up I-85, I had a joy and peace in my heart because I knew there was a friend was looking out for me on the interstate. Although what I could naturally see was quite limited, I knew my heavenly friend could spiritually see beyond what my eyes were physically capable of. The I-85/I-95 corridor is familiar to Him. Although there was fog obstructing my view, I was not without recourse because He didn't abandon me. God guided and protected me on my way to work. Even though I passed SEVERAL accidents, by God's grace & favor, I was NOT involved in any of them. #message -> God is allowing your vision to be obstructed (this is merely a test of your faith). Don't fret because you cannot see too far in the distance. Put your trust in the one who knows the way, and who will be an ever-present guide as well as protector from dangers seen and unseen (even when you're physically/literally traveling all alone).

When I crossed into MD around 7a, all of the fog was gone. BUT, it was still overcast. I won't lie: I was a little disappointed. I rather enjoy basking in the sunshine. I certainly prefer blue skies to gray ones. #message -> Not all mornings are clear, bright, warm and/or dry. Some mornings are like this one with rain, fog, clouds and/or an uncomfortably cool breeze. The same God who made the "bad" weather makes the "good" weather. Life has taught me that a balance of both "bad" and "good" experiences are needed to positively develop and mature to us serve in the kingdom.

#DivineEpiphany

When I left I-495 to travel North on Route 50, a song I never heard before came on. As I listened to "Open Up My Heart" by The Dells, I felt rays of sunshine warm and illuminate my soul. Even though this song is secular, it speaks to me on MANY levels:

• LEVEL 1-There were SEVERAL personal/professional revelations. BUT, I will wax poetic about that LATER this week :-)

• LEVEL 2-There were A LOT of relational epiphanies as well. (BACKGROUND: Recently, I crossed paths with someone who seems to be a mirror-like reflection of different aspects of my life.) I think "Open Up My Heart" by The Dells instructs us on how we can indivually (and collectively) process the various life-changing decisions we must soon make:

Step 1: we must to open up our hearts. This may seem counter-intuitive because we've each experienced NUMEROUS painful moments that have been more painfully compounded over time. We have been hurt and betrayed to our respective cores by people who claim to love us. What is possibly worse is how we claim to love those people back and yet have unfortunately reciprocated similar displeasure.

I can only speak for myself: this perplexing and uncomfortable paradox entices me to act on my inclination to build a medieval fortress with nine-foot thick walls around my heart, guarded by archers with flaming arrows at the ready in case a brave soul survives swimming in the moat filled with man-eating sharks (LOL/JK). I sincerely don't want to hurt those I care about (or be hurt by those I care about). 

BUT, life has taught me that the risks often outweigh the benefits when considering to guard your heart. It's more difficult for a guarded heart to heal. Those who choose to guard their hearts often do themselves a disservice: an unfortunate consequence of attempting to prevent future pain without properly processing the current pain is we hold our current pain hostage. While trapped inside a guarded heart, unresolved pain festers and can devolve into bitterness and/or resentment. These are not emotions God wants us to experience. 

In case my friend battling a similar decision to guard her heart, I encourage us both to resist that urge. Let's choose to unlock our unlimited potential to experience giving (and receiving) love and joy.

How can we do that?

Step 2: we must actively and directly address our fears. It is imperative that we reject any inclination to shackle ourselves to a restrictive status quo security blanket when God intends for us to be transcendent social engineers improving His Kingdom with the unique gifts and vision He blessed us with. We have to remember that fear and faith cannot coexist.

#TransparentMoment -> I can only speak for myself: I'm scared to give up on my long-term building project. There's been a mutually significant investment of time, money and several other resources. From what I can tell, my friend and I have already co-constructed the framework for our respective houses that were intended to last a lifetime. However, what started as a tiny crack in the foundation has transformed into a complicated web of several cracks too numerous to count which have threatened the critical integrity of our respective proposed structures. It seems we are both questioning whether these foundational cracks could ever be effectively repaired.

 

In fact, if my friend and I are indeed processing in a similar way, we're both probably asking ourselves:

-How could I even consider walking away from what I thought was the site of my forever dream home? 

-Was I so disillusioned by a convincing mirage that I envisioned a permanent structure where a tent actually is?

-Don't I owe it to my blueprint to continue with the build?

-If I don't continue the build, can my ego survive when I publically return the remainder of my building supplies to Home Depot? 

I am unable to articulate my personal answers as of yet. Soooooooo, at this very moment, IDK...

Step 3: we must embrace the promise of joy's light in the morning. I'm reminded of something Dr. Debyii Thomas mentioned in a sermon at one of chapel services I attended at Howard U. She wisely pointed out that 11:59p and 12a look EXACTLY ALIKE. #message -> Each new day begins in darkness that eventually gives way to light. Even in instances where things don't look (or feel) better, they are actually getting better. We are moving forward with time. We should praise God in advance for the light that is coming in the fullness of a few hours at sunrise. Let us allow divine joy and peace to shine as do the rays of the sun.

Step 4: we must acknowledge that although our lives are far from being perfect in many ways, we have so many other things to be grateful for. I'm reluctantly learning to accept that there is spiritual perfection in the midst of ALL the natural imperfections I see/experience.  #message ->  as long as we love the Lord as well as work according to His will and purpose for our lives, ALL things will work together for our good :-D

Step 5: we must continue to support each other as only similarly-situated friends can. Although I don't wish our headaches and heartaches on any friend or foe, I am kind of comforted to know that I truly am not the only human going through these particular challenges. I also feel affirmed because I know there is someone else with a similar perspective to mine. 

[#Sidebar -> When I talked to my papa this eve about my revelations re: opening hearts, he quoted Maya Angelou: "[w]hen people show you who they are believe them the first time." He advised me that opening your heart to heal as well as give/receive love and joy does not necessarily mean someone should literally or figuratively stay in a place to be hurt by someone they care for (and who claims to care for them in return). In fact, when I posed an increasingly familiar "hypothetical situation," Papa suggested a person in that situation invest in some comfy sneakers and IMMEDIATELY commence a soul-cleansing RUUUUUNNNNNN!!!

When our conversation turned to me telling Papa how my friend and I appear to have a natural ability and mutual intention to be good friends to each other, Papa agreed that it is important to have the support of good friends in these kinds of challenging seasons. HOWEVER, Papa said it is even more important to be the very best friend to our respective inner selves. 

From what I can tell, I think my friend and I are committed to going to great lengths to honor (and attempt to nurture) the original external friendships that form the basis of our respective romantic relationships. Papa thought that these desires are admirable. HOWEVER, he suggested my friend and I take the time to periodically ensure that our connections, especially the romantic ones, are symbiotic (and not parasitic).]

I pray God helps my friend and I to bring out His very best in each other. Individually, we must choose what we believe is what God wants for us to do in our own lives. If we open our senses and heed divine direction, I wholeheartedly believe that God will bless us with the desires of our hearts. AMEN!!!

###

Below is an excerpt of the lyrics to the song that inspired my #DivineEpiphany

 "Open Up My Heart" by The Dells

I'm gonna open up my heart
To the world this morning
See if I can help a friend

I'm gonna pull back the shades
Of my fear this morning
And let the light of
The world come in

If ever I'm up or I'm down
I'm gonna go
I'm gonna go another round
Try to bring somebody happiness

As I look about me, I can see
All the blessings given to me

A baby boy
A woman who loves me
Oh, yeah

I'm gonna open up
Open up my heart this morning
And see if I can help a friend

I'm gonna give all my heart
Make a new start
In the world this morning
See if I can help a friend

Bliss on Success

ROAR

No, not the Katy Perry song ;-P

I just had a thought-provoking convo with a like-minded Leo that produced two things (TEHEHEHE):

1. #QuoteOfTheDay "Nothing magical happens when someone turns 18, 21, 25, 30, etc. Unless an adult chooses to develop maturity, they are merely child-like in mind despite their increased age and responsibilities."

2. #QuestionOfTheDay What do you do when you love your significant other deeply but wonder if you can spend the rest of your life with them as they are today (because there is no guarantee the behaviors and/or mindsets that bother you will ever change for the better)?

After I get to a decision point on my time-sensitive vocational and residential issues, I must circle back to resolve relational issues as well.