When a "Man" "Loves" a "Woman"

#QuoteOfTheDay "Love is when you want what you need and need what you want."-Keay Nigel

As a person whose inner philosopher has been pondering the appropriate/accurate definition and measure of romantic love for the past several weeks, I was pleasantly surprised when I found the quote above in an old blog entitled "The Difference Between Needing, Wanting And Loving Somebody" that I saw posted on social media this past weekend (read the full blog for yourself here: http://elitedaily.com/dating/difference-needing-wanting-loving-somebody/936704/ OR you can scroll down to the bottom of my blog for the quoted full text *smiles*).

Even though the title/subject-matter piqued my attention on late Friday night/early Saturday morning, my thumb kept scrolling down the screen of my phone. My emotional mental note got lost in my physical exhaustion and relocation planning. The ENTIRE weekend passed WITHOUT me remembering to scroll back up to click the link & read the article. It wasn't until I #NOTsoRandomly overheard an American Idol contestant belt out Percy Sledge's "When a Man Loves a Woman" from my Aunt's TV while I was getting ready for bed on Monday night that a mental domino effect (and the loveliness of a simple keyword Google search) lead me right to what I hoped to find.

Heteronormative affectational and sexual orientations aside, I think that for the romantically-inclined humans among us, the selfless, nurturing, protective and sustaining nature expressed in the lyrics are a kind of "gold standard" for what love could/should be. HOWEVER, there are some FATAL LIMITATIONS to the song's logic:

-Mutuality/reciprocity is NOT even mentioned (for goodness sake, does the woman really even love the man back?!?!?!)
-The song doesn't even consider how the perhaps one-sided nature of the man's affection could actually be creating and maintaining a physically, mentally, emotionally and financially UNHEALTHY situation (NN: real love appreciates a willingness to sacrifice for the "greater good." BUT, it does NOT abuse it)
-Some of the behaviors of the woman the man loves are behaviors that shouldn't exist even in a truly loving relationship (e.g. real love will NOT play you for a fool)

So, for those of us seeking to bring our (presumably) happy, healthy, whole individual selves to co-develop life-long, happy, healthy, whole romantic relationships, we might need to reframe how and what we think about love. In fact, I dare the self-aware lover reading this who may periodically question whether they love someone to remove the distorting lenses that are their ego and fear to introspectively probe for the answers to these questions:

Q: Are you and your partner each giving your best, equally sacrificial effort in your romantic relationship?

Q: Can you emotionally and physically flourish without the person you say you love?

Q: Does nostalgia/familiarity, obligation or comfort play a substantial role in why you feel compelled to stay in your romantic relationship?

Q: Is the person you love someone you can unconditionally honor, trust, respect and forgive for the rest of your lives together?

Q: Do you REALLY love your significant other OR do you love the IDEA of loving them?

Q: Are struggles/challenges of life building your "love" up OR tearing it down?

Q: Even though you care for your significant other deeply, do you wonder if you can spend the rest of your life with them as they are today (because there is no guarantee the behaviors and/or mindsets that bother you will ever change for the better & could possibly change for the worse)?

Q: Are you willing to risk the tangible good you have right now (which may in some ways be the best or only romantic love you've ever had) for the intangible potential of a greater/deeper connection at an unknown time/place in the possibly distant future?

I am sure there are many people staring at a figurative fork in the road head of them. I wholeheartedly ENCOURAGE you to continue the hard work of wrestling internally to figure out definitive answers to those questions. Time will tell if what you desire the answers to be are truly aligned with the truth of your headspace and heart-space.

While I personally continue embarking along my journey to honor my own truth regarding (romantic) love, I can say that so far in my twenty-nine years of life that:

(1.) I know what it's like to want to love someone.
(2.) I have also partially experienced the paradoxical "burden" turned inexplicable joy AND healthy, interdependent vulnerability that is needing to want someone.
(3.) Ultimately, I believe I will know that the kind of love I want (and need) exists when the one I claim to love (and be in love with) and I can genuinely, unequivocally, reciprocally and unconditionally express every word (and underlying essence) of the lyrics to Amel Larrieux's "No One Else" song from the transparent depths of our souls:

"Swift as a wind song
You sang the music of an honest bird
I waited for some contradiction
But, truth was ringing in your every word
and every moment since then
the one thing I can tell
is that I belong with you and no one else

Lay down those heavy burdens
on the banks of this river deep
know that every piece of your past
is always some place safe with me
and there's no room for judgement
I want you as yourself
cause I belong with you
and no one else

We have both been broken
bent into painful shapes
We almost let those old fears carry over and get in our way
every struggle just makes our love get stronger than it was yesterday

So here we are now
ain't it lucky we survived it all
searching for self in seperate rivers
ending up in the same waterfall
and when we're gray and wiser
the story I will tell is that I belong with you
and no one, no one else,

I belong I belong with you and no no no one and no one else
I belong with you and no one, no one else"

***
Full Text of Keay Nigel's "The Difference Between Needing, Wanting And Loving Somebody" as found at http://elitedaily.com/dating/difference-needing-wanting-loving-somebody/936704/ :

"Recently a close friend called to tell me that she’s breaking up with her fiancé, who she has been with for six years.

They got engaged just last year and were even planning to buy a new house together.

Of course, it came as a huge shock, as I had always thought everything was running so perfectly for her (or, at least, that’s how it seemed on her social media).

I remember she met her now ex boyfriend/fiancé during freshmen year of college. He was her “first love,” as she had never had a boyfriend before him. All her friends, including myself, were really happy for her.

The two of them stuck together for the whole four years of college, and even went on a graduation trip to Europe together afterward.

Then, she moved to another state for work and they began a long-distance relationship. That arrangement lasted for just over one year before they got back to living in the same city again. And before long, he proposed, she said yes and they got engaged.

Everything was “going according to plan,” like most fairytales we know that center around the idea of first loves and happily ever afters.

But then, like a cruel twist of fate, things began to change. My friend suddenly fell out of love with the person she would marry.

“How do you know if you are still in love with someone, or if you’re staying because of the familiarity?” she asked me over the phone.

At the time, I was pretty taken aback by her frankness. “Give me a moment to think about it. I want to give a clear answer to you,” I replied. And, after a minute or two of awkward silence on the phone, this is how I broke it down for her:

There’s a difference between wanting somebody/something and needing something/someone.

Here’s an analogy: You want a Prada bag, but you don’t exactly need one. Of course, your desire for that particular thing you want can be weak or strong, depending on several things.

You may want something really badly, with every ounce of strength that you possess, or you may only want it half-heartedly. On the other hand, you need oxygen; there is no real desire for it, but you have to have it, nonetheless, for survival.

Of course, there are circumstances in which a need may become a want. For instance, when you’re drowning, the need for oxygen gets so strong that the need becomes want.

In those few seconds, you want oxygen like you want your life — literally. Often, we only truly appreciate the value and necessity of some things only when we lose them, don’t we?

Want and need can be really different, but at times, pretty similar. So, what is love? Here’s the answer to the million-dollar question: Love is when you want what you need and need what you want.

Now, let me spell it out for you further. I believe most love relationships start out with a state of wanting. When you fall in love, you want the other person very, very much.

And then slowly, over time, as you love, you also become more and more accustomed to that person, so much so that you might even feel as though you can’t live without him or her. This is when want becomes need. When you want and need something simultaneously, you can call it love.

When you truly love someone, you know that you want him or her. You can feel that craving in the depth of your soul and in every nerve and every fiber of your physical being. It may feel almost like an addiction or an unyielding obsession.

You know that there is lust, but there is also something more. It’s something that truly satisfies, yet leaves you wanting more. Indeed, love can leave you in a vulnerable state. Perhaps this is where “want” transcends into “need.”

It’s when you have become so dependent on the other person for your emotional and physical demands that you can’t live properly if he or she disappeared from your life completely.

With this person, you can feel a sense of familiarity and assurance that comes with his or her acceptance of you. You feel safe with him or her.

In a way, love can become a comfort zone, a refuge you can run to. Though, in another way, it can also be a dangerous place where you might get yourself or the other party really hurt.

After a breakup, it’s unavoidable that you will feel slightly needy because now that you’re out of your comfort zone, you just want to feel safe again.

My friend did admit to me that in her head, she didn’t want her ex as a boyfriend or lover anymore, yet in her heart, she still had feelings for him, and thus she felt deeply perplexed.

“This is not love that you’re feeling,” I tried to explain, “It’s nostalgia. Even if you were to get back together after he comes begging at your feet, you might be satisfied for a while, but you won’t stay satisfied for long.

Because, in the end, he is still not what you want. He was, but that’s the past. You loved him, but now, you don’t. Now you feel like you need him only because he’s part of what that feels familiar.

Undeniably, he’s the safer choice, compared to being single again after such a long time. But, I can assure you that if you settle for this half-assed love, you are risking nothing but your future happiness.”

My friend knew that I was right, and I knew I was right, too. Yet, I was also fully aware that it might be slightly hypocritical of me to set such high bars for her. At the end of the day, it’s not me who will suffer the consequences of my advice — she will.

Still, I wouldn’t have given her advice that I would not personally follow. No one said going through breakups is easy, let alone leaving the person you thought you would marry. Yet, it’s definitely better than running away on the wedding day, right?

The truth is, love is never completely black and white. In fact, I think 80 percent of it is grey matter. Love can fade just as quickly as it can surge and fill your entire being with its magical feelings of happiness and bliss.

Lust is part of love, but love cannot be defined solely by the feeling of wanting someone. Desires can be ephemeral, just like feelings are mercurial.

And, when you need someone but do not have that insatiable want for him or her, it could be nostalgia or just lazy dependency.

Don’t settle for less. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone in search of a person who could be better for you either. Like they say, you accept the love you think you deserve.

Take some time and think about it. Some things are better late than never, and love is certainly one of them."