I don’t want to be alone (The Morning)
I fell asleep on the plane to Chicago. I didn’t mean to fall asleep but it happened anyways. I cannot say that it was the most restful sleep in the world. I kept waking up suddenly for seemingly no apparent reason. Luckily, I went back to sleep just as instantly. When we arrived in the Chi, my mood and outlook had changed. I attribute this to divine intervention. During the many periods of sleep, I kept hearing this passage:
“1May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the Lord of Jacob protect you. 2May He send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. 3May he remember all of you sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. 4May he give you the desires of your heart and make all of your plans succeed. 5We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will life up your banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all of your requests. 6Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he answers him from holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand. 7Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. 8They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. 9O Lord, our king! Answer us when we call!” (Psalms 20)
What is interesting is that I read this passage to someone special a few nights ago. I read it when I was under stress and I knew that he was under stress. As you can gather from my previous blog entry, I was PISSED. The negativity from my inner being seeped out of my fingers and onto the screen. That just isn’t good. That is not what I am supposed to be doing. My actions astounded me. For the first time in the history of my blog, I cursed. I don’t curse, well at least not often. I especially try hard not to do so when I write or speak.
“1A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
“1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 7A time to be silent and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,7)
This may seem kinda simple BUT I’ve realized that I am angry. But not all of my anger stems from the death of my grandfather. The truth is that I have been angry at the world for quite sometime. I thought that I was handling the feelings well. However, it has become evident that they have just be suppressed and repressed. It took the death of my grandfather to bring out all of this negativity that I have been harboring inside about the other facets of my life.
“1I said, “I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence. 2But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. 3My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned…” (Psalms 39 1-3)
You see, I have been under an extreme amount of stress for the past few months. I haven’t had a break from the drama since May 2005 when I started this blog. Up to this point, I have been able to keep up my appearances thus convincing myself that everything was fine when the opposite was true. In my head, if I am in crisis but outside everything looks fine then I am fine. The fact that I am in crisis has not changed, but my “picture perfect” world is in shambles. My family has issues, I have issues, finances aren’t right, grades aren’t right, people are tripping at me for no reason and there is nothing I can do to cover it up and make it better. In my head this is just not how things are supposed to be. I am supposed to be in control even if everything around me is falling apart.
Now I am desperate, but I have a plan. For those of you who know me, I always have a plan. I don’t function very well without plans. So what is the plan? I am leaning on my support base. First, I lay my problems before the Lord in prayer. I seek comfort, peace and understanding through the bible. Next, I call on my family. We are a very close-knit group. It doesn’t matter the time, I can always depend on someone to pick up the phone and be there. I thank God for my family. My friends, separated into groups as boyfriend, team rocket co-captain, suitemate and the girls (Side note: BIG UP WHEATLEY 4-DUB! The card was BEAUTIFUL! I cried when reading it on the metro to the airport), are the final level of the support base. I don’t lean on them as much as I could. History has told me that I have to take it slow. Thankfully, when I have leaned on them they haven’t let me fall. I thank God for my friends.
I also thank God for Jesus and the tools that he has given us to cope with our trials and tribulations. This divine insight is amazing.
“1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 2A time to be born and a time to die, 4A time to weep and a time to laugh, A time to mourn and a time to dance,” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,2,4)
I especially am thankful for the peace that is given to those who are dealing with the death of a loved one.
“22Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:22 )
It is truly a blessing that both of the major deaths that I have experienced have relatively expected. I prepared myself for the death of my grandfather and grandmother long before the actual event occurred. Both were the end of great suffering. I am glad that they don’t have to suffer. Both were at the end of long, productive lives. Any one who lives to be in their early 80s or late 70s is blessed and highly favored. Both were loved by their blood family, church family, and the Charleston community at large. An outpouring of love came (and is coming) in various ways from across the nation. They lived such great lives. I can’t say this enough: I really appreciate the compassion people have shown me and my family. I am very thankful for you kind words and deeds. Please continue to life us up in prayer.
Right now, I am hoping to be half of the people that they were. Lord knows that haven’t been the best person during this test. I will be the first to admit my imperfections. While there are a host of apologies to go around, I would like to apologize to the person I directed my wrath towards in my last blog entry. I am sorry. Those words were full of negativity. That was wrong.
“12Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs.” (Proverbs 10:12)
Please accept my apology. While I was genuinely upset at the fact that you were not there when I needed/wanted you to be, I know that you have done more than your share of comforting me in the times we did spend together. Besides, you are gong through a lot right now. I know that you care a great deal for me. Ignoring all of those facts would be rude and ungrateful. I try not to be like that when I can help it. But I fall short sometimes, as we all do. While talking to my Team Rocket co-captain (Side note: I also thank God for my team rocket co-captain), he gently reminded me through scripture that being angry isn’t productive that I need to do is love.
“36Teacher, what is the greatest commandment under the Law? 37Jesus replied “Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all of you soul and with all of your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. 38And the second like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthews 22:36-39)
I want to love my support base in the biblical structure.
“4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not rejoice in evil but it rejoices in truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
I know that I haven’t lived up to that standard. There is a lot of room for improvement.
Well I am down and out. The only way that I can go from here is up. With my hand in the unchanging hand of the Lord I will not fail. I have to do away with my dependency on stability, order and plans. I must step out on faith.
“7Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”(Matthew 7:7-8)
The funny thing about asking, seeking and knocking is that the Lord will give you what He wants for you. This may or may not be what you intended. Only time and prayer will tell what the fruits of this action will be.
“1May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the Lord of Jacob protect you. 2May He send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. 3May he remember all of you sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. 4May he give you the desires of your heart and make all of your plans succeed. 5We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will life up your banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all of your requests. 6Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he answers him from holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand. 7Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. 8They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. 9O Lord, our king! Answer us when we call!” (Psalms 20)
What is interesting is that I read this passage to someone special a few nights ago. I read it when I was under stress and I knew that he was under stress. As you can gather from my previous blog entry, I was PISSED. The negativity from my inner being seeped out of my fingers and onto the screen. That just isn’t good. That is not what I am supposed to be doing. My actions astounded me. For the first time in the history of my blog, I cursed. I don’t curse, well at least not often. I especially try hard not to do so when I write or speak.
“1A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
“1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 7A time to be silent and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,7)
This may seem kinda simple BUT I’ve realized that I am angry. But not all of my anger stems from the death of my grandfather. The truth is that I have been angry at the world for quite sometime. I thought that I was handling the feelings well. However, it has become evident that they have just be suppressed and repressed. It took the death of my grandfather to bring out all of this negativity that I have been harboring inside about the other facets of my life.
“1I said, “I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence. 2But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. 3My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned…” (Psalms 39 1-3)
You see, I have been under an extreme amount of stress for the past few months. I haven’t had a break from the drama since May 2005 when I started this blog. Up to this point, I have been able to keep up my appearances thus convincing myself that everything was fine when the opposite was true. In my head, if I am in crisis but outside everything looks fine then I am fine. The fact that I am in crisis has not changed, but my “picture perfect” world is in shambles. My family has issues, I have issues, finances aren’t right, grades aren’t right, people are tripping at me for no reason and there is nothing I can do to cover it up and make it better. In my head this is just not how things are supposed to be. I am supposed to be in control even if everything around me is falling apart.
Now I am desperate, but I have a plan. For those of you who know me, I always have a plan. I don’t function very well without plans. So what is the plan? I am leaning on my support base. First, I lay my problems before the Lord in prayer. I seek comfort, peace and understanding through the bible. Next, I call on my family. We are a very close-knit group. It doesn’t matter the time, I can always depend on someone to pick up the phone and be there. I thank God for my family. My friends, separated into groups as boyfriend, team rocket co-captain, suitemate and the girls (Side note: BIG UP WHEATLEY 4-DUB! The card was BEAUTIFUL! I cried when reading it on the metro to the airport), are the final level of the support base. I don’t lean on them as much as I could. History has told me that I have to take it slow. Thankfully, when I have leaned on them they haven’t let me fall. I thank God for my friends.
I also thank God for Jesus and the tools that he has given us to cope with our trials and tribulations. This divine insight is amazing.
“1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 2A time to be born and a time to die, 4A time to weep and a time to laugh, A time to mourn and a time to dance,” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,2,4)
I especially am thankful for the peace that is given to those who are dealing with the death of a loved one.
“22Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:22 )
It is truly a blessing that both of the major deaths that I have experienced have relatively expected. I prepared myself for the death of my grandfather and grandmother long before the actual event occurred. Both were the end of great suffering. I am glad that they don’t have to suffer. Both were at the end of long, productive lives. Any one who lives to be in their early 80s or late 70s is blessed and highly favored. Both were loved by their blood family, church family, and the Charleston community at large. An outpouring of love came (and is coming) in various ways from across the nation. They lived such great lives. I can’t say this enough: I really appreciate the compassion people have shown me and my family. I am very thankful for you kind words and deeds. Please continue to life us up in prayer.
Right now, I am hoping to be half of the people that they were. Lord knows that haven’t been the best person during this test. I will be the first to admit my imperfections. While there are a host of apologies to go around, I would like to apologize to the person I directed my wrath towards in my last blog entry. I am sorry. Those words were full of negativity. That was wrong.
“12Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs.” (Proverbs 10:12)
Please accept my apology. While I was genuinely upset at the fact that you were not there when I needed/wanted you to be, I know that you have done more than your share of comforting me in the times we did spend together. Besides, you are gong through a lot right now. I know that you care a great deal for me. Ignoring all of those facts would be rude and ungrateful. I try not to be like that when I can help it. But I fall short sometimes, as we all do. While talking to my Team Rocket co-captain (Side note: I also thank God for my team rocket co-captain), he gently reminded me through scripture that being angry isn’t productive that I need to do is love.
“36Teacher, what is the greatest commandment under the Law? 37Jesus replied “Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all of you soul and with all of your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. 38And the second like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthews 22:36-39)
I want to love my support base in the biblical structure.
“4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not rejoice in evil but it rejoices in truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
I know that I haven’t lived up to that standard. There is a lot of room for improvement.
Well I am down and out. The only way that I can go from here is up. With my hand in the unchanging hand of the Lord I will not fail. I have to do away with my dependency on stability, order and plans. I must step out on faith.
“7Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”(Matthew 7:7-8)
The funny thing about asking, seeking and knocking is that the Lord will give you what He wants for you. This may or may not be what you intended. Only time and prayer will tell what the fruits of this action will be.
posted by SdotK at 12:43 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home