You, Me, She, Trust and a Day Off
I came to a realization today. I have got to get a handle on the trusting the boyfriend situation. I am happy that we are back together. I wouldn’t write it or say it unless I truly believed it. Our relationship is still fragile but it’s on its way to being like it used to be. Yes, I have forgiven him. No, I have not forgiven the cheating act yet. Yes, I can separate the two entities. I need to complete that “cheating act forgiveness” as soon as possible.
It is hard (not that I expected it to be easy.) I am treading a fine line between letting him know how I feel and pushing him away. I do not want him to feel like I don’t trust him, but the truth is I don’t trust him. The problem is I don’t exactly know how to trust him again. All I know is that it takes time. I’m going to feel like this for a little while. I’m doing the best I can. I want and try to believe him. I have what I call “baby confidence.” Hopefully it will grow into “adult trust.”
Most of the time, I am ok. I act and react like I normally would. But sometimes things change. It’s like I morph into this “other person”. No I am not suffering from multiple personalities. I just feel like I’m behaving in a way that is not normal for me. I do not like when I become that person. This person is overly emotional. It feels like I’m on my period. I feel unhappy and angry. It is easy for me to become agitated. I cry all of the time. I keep having vengeful and irrational thoughts. This needs to stop immediately. I want be “normal” again. Until that occurs, I’m driving myself crazy.
Today, the boyfriend took off of work because he has been working long hours for the past few weeks. He’s been complaining of exhaustion. When we spent time together, he slept a lot. For those reasons, I thought that he would spend the day in bed resting. Isn’t that was exhausted people do? I didn’t think he would leave the house except to go to the carryout or run an errand for his grandfather. Of course he would leave if something extreme (he hurt himself or someone else he cared about was hurt) occurred. In my head, there were no other logical reasons for him to leave the house.
This afternoon, I checked in with the boyfriend around 2pm. I had just thought to myself: “I wish I could be with him today. It is probably better that I’m busy since he said he was going to try and spend the day alone resting.” He text messaged me back: “I was kidnapped.” I assumed the culprits were his parents or his grandfather. I thought: “They always find something for him to do when he is trying to relax. At least his is not spending his day off with that ‘gurl’ (oh so many names could be used…but that is the name I’m using in my journal for the girl he cheated on me with.)” Almost instantly, I received a text message: “Sorry. He’s mine for the day=the gurl.” It turns out that the boyfriend left his grandfather’s house around 11 this morning with no intentions for traveling to the carryout, running an errand for his grandfather, or attending to an emergency.
I was livid. The first thought that ran through my mind was: "I know this GURL did not just write that to me. She has the upper hand. She knows it and is using it against me. The boyfriend warned me that she may say things to be obnoxious. She is flaunting her prowess in my face. How dare she! This is NOT funny!" I felt as though I was slapped and spit on. I didn’t understand why a person who was so tired would spend the day out of the house or why he would spend his day off with her of all people. It was ironic as hell because I was listening to Donnell Jones’ song “Where I Wanna Be.” Of course with that ‘gurl’ is where he would want to be. Well that isn’t completely accurate. I found out later that they went out in a group. Five other individuals were present.
I know that there was nothing sexual or romantic between them. But it still hurt. I really am trying to get over how I feel about her and her place in his life. As long as I am with him, I will have to deal with her. I know that she will probably never be out of his life. It is just a pain in the butt to be reminded. Hopefully, my efforts and his patience will pay off. He will have my trust and I will have his heart.
It is hard (not that I expected it to be easy.) I am treading a fine line between letting him know how I feel and pushing him away. I do not want him to feel like I don’t trust him, but the truth is I don’t trust him. The problem is I don’t exactly know how to trust him again. All I know is that it takes time. I’m going to feel like this for a little while. I’m doing the best I can. I want and try to believe him. I have what I call “baby confidence.” Hopefully it will grow into “adult trust.”
Most of the time, I am ok. I act and react like I normally would. But sometimes things change. It’s like I morph into this “other person”. No I am not suffering from multiple personalities. I just feel like I’m behaving in a way that is not normal for me. I do not like when I become that person. This person is overly emotional. It feels like I’m on my period. I feel unhappy and angry. It is easy for me to become agitated. I cry all of the time. I keep having vengeful and irrational thoughts. This needs to stop immediately. I want be “normal” again. Until that occurs, I’m driving myself crazy.
Today, the boyfriend took off of work because he has been working long hours for the past few weeks. He’s been complaining of exhaustion. When we spent time together, he slept a lot. For those reasons, I thought that he would spend the day in bed resting. Isn’t that was exhausted people do? I didn’t think he would leave the house except to go to the carryout or run an errand for his grandfather. Of course he would leave if something extreme (he hurt himself or someone else he cared about was hurt) occurred. In my head, there were no other logical reasons for him to leave the house.
This afternoon, I checked in with the boyfriend around 2pm. I had just thought to myself: “I wish I could be with him today. It is probably better that I’m busy since he said he was going to try and spend the day alone resting.” He text messaged me back: “I was kidnapped.” I assumed the culprits were his parents or his grandfather. I thought: “They always find something for him to do when he is trying to relax. At least his is not spending his day off with that ‘gurl’ (oh so many names could be used…but that is the name I’m using in my journal for the girl he cheated on me with.)” Almost instantly, I received a text message: “Sorry. He’s mine for the day=the gurl.” It turns out that the boyfriend left his grandfather’s house around 11 this morning with no intentions for traveling to the carryout, running an errand for his grandfather, or attending to an emergency.
I was livid. The first thought that ran through my mind was: "I know this GURL did not just write that to me. She has the upper hand. She knows it and is using it against me. The boyfriend warned me that she may say things to be obnoxious. She is flaunting her prowess in my face. How dare she! This is NOT funny!" I felt as though I was slapped and spit on. I didn’t understand why a person who was so tired would spend the day out of the house or why he would spend his day off with her of all people. It was ironic as hell because I was listening to Donnell Jones’ song “Where I Wanna Be.” Of course with that ‘gurl’ is where he would want to be. Well that isn’t completely accurate. I found out later that they went out in a group. Five other individuals were present.
I know that there was nothing sexual or romantic between them. But it still hurt. I really am trying to get over how I feel about her and her place in his life. As long as I am with him, I will have to deal with her. I know that she will probably never be out of his life. It is just a pain in the butt to be reminded. Hopefully, my efforts and his patience will pay off. He will have my trust and I will have his heart.
posted by SdotK at 7:45 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home