So I’m Still the Old Shoe

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to be a guest on Hardball with Chris Matthews. For those of you who don’t know, Chris Matthews is a political analyst with a show on MSNBC. I was to discuss the CDA convention that just passed as well as the future of the Democratic Party from the perspective of a young, minority democrat. (Sidebar: Shout out to LJ for hooking a sista up. Networking works wonders. It’s all about whom you know, who knows what you can do and likes you. Girl, thanks for thinking highly of me. God will surely bless your future endeavors!) Unfortunately, I was unable to participate due to an organic chemistry exam.

My mentor told me that contemplating going to the interview was showing that I wasn’t committed to my job. He said that he is tired of me not being committed to my research. I don’t understand what he is talking about. I am committed. This is unbelievable. The attribute of commitment along with patience, politeness and sweetness are among the core compliments that I receive. I am not saying that it is impossible for me to be disloyal, impatient, rude and coarse. It is just highly unlikely.

How could he say that I am not committed? I get to work early. I return to work after class. Isn’t that commitment? I worked from home during the NAACP convention to gear up for the Undergraduate Research Symposium at Hampton U. the following weekend. Isn’t that commitment? I gave him the opportunity to object to my participation in the interview yesterday. Isn’t that commitment (and respect I might add)? (Sidebar: If I hadn’t given him the opportunity to object, it could be construed as me having loyalty issues. But I did ask. Ergo, that argument is not applicable.)

Before I told him about the interview, I asked him would it be okay if I took the afternoon off or if there was anything that he needed and/or wanted completed. He said no. I proceeded to tell him about the interview. Since it was cleared with him, the next step was to clear it with my organic chem prof. I would’ve been late to our exam if I participated in the interview. Dr. S told me that being late would be unacceptable. Although I disagreed, I had to respect his opinion. He still holds my potential A in his hands. After this mini meeting, I told Dr. A that I couldn’t do the interview and that my work schedule would not be affected. He said okay and left me alone all day.

This morning, he came in yelling at me about the lack of commitment keeping me from being productive. I explained to him that if I didn’t have the exam but I had work to do, I still wouldn’t have participated in the interview since working in the chemistry department is my primary concern. He wasn’t trying to hear it.

What was he talking about…“ lack of commitment keeping me from being productive”? I had nothing to do yesterday. If there was something he wanted me to do, I could have done it since I didn’t go to the interview. Instead, I studied for my organic chem exam all day long.

If I didn’t have that exam and I didn’t have anything to do at work, I would have taken that opportunity with Chris Matthews. Dr. A would have preferred for me to sit in a lab, an everyday occurrence, and do nothing instead of being interviewed by Chris Matthews, clearly a unique opportunity.

Shouldn’t he be proud of me? Why is he being like this? Please pray for me…

Shoe Recycling Syndrome

The bible says that there is nothing new under the sun. In school we are told to study history for it oftentimes repeats itself. What can I say about these adages? THEY WERE RIGHT!!! Let me fill you in:

When I first started my student researching job in the chemistry department it was wonderful. I was the new shoe on the block. My mentor and I had great communication and he held me in high esteem. Five months into the job, things have changed. I still love the research and the practical experience BUT everything is opposite. My mentor and I do not have good communication and he no longer holds me in high esteem. I am not the cool new shoe. Now, I am the ratty, old shoe.

Previous observations have allowed me to establish a pattern of behavior. I call it “shoe recycling syndrome.” When you get new shoes, there is a period of happiness. The owner enjoys, flaunts, and uses the new shoe often. Eventually, the new show is replaces by another new pair of kicks. Temporarily, it is forgotten and/or treated poorly by the owner. In time, the owner rediscovers the old shoe. He realizes that he can still use it. It sounds a little far-fetched but it is actually happening.

You see, when I was the new shoe, I noticed that Dr. A picked on one of his student researchers. He was very forgiving and understanding towards me at the time. She was the brunt of his negative energy. No one else really tasted it. I thought that she was getting what she deserved. When credit is due, you give it. When admonishment is due, you give that also. This principle was only a portion of the equation. Now that she is gone, I have taken her place. (Sidebar: Please understand that I am not claiming perfection. I am a human who makes mistakes. When I am wrong, I will admit it. The question is: does Dr. A react proportionally to our iniquities? I believe the answer is no.)

It just happened all of a sudden. I was momentarily in shock from being thrown into the closet. (Sidebar: I have never been treated the way I am being treated at the job anywhere else. I am not used to this. Even at home, my parents RARELY raised their voices at me. They talked to me. Dealing with this yelling situation is difficult. I’m just trying to adjust.) Now there is a new girl, she is the new girl. The older people are the respected old shoes. They showcase, unknowingly flaunt, their privilege with their carefree attitude and ease of mind. I try to be like them.

Each day, I put my best foot forward. The bible says:
“1Throw your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days. 2Share what you have with seven, or even with eight, for you do not know what trouble may come on the earth. 3If the clouds are full, they pour out rain upon the earth. And if a tree falls to the south or to the north, wherever the tree falls, there it lies. 4He who watches the wind will not plant his seeds. And he who looks at the clouds will not gather the food. 5Just as you do not know the path of the wind or how the bones are made of a child yet to be born, so you do not know the work of God Who makes all things. 6Plant your seeds in the morning, and do not be lazy in the evening. You do not know which will grow well, the morning or evening planting, or if both of them alike will do well.” (Ecclesiastes 11: 1-6)
I know that this is a test and I meet every challenge head on. This will not beat me. It is only a phase. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing more is put on me than I can handle.

Despite, the shoe recycling syndrome, my mentor is pretty cool. I will give him his credit. He is intelligent and accomplished. He has a plan, although I don’t always understand it. I acknowledge that he is human as well. SRS is just one of his flaws. Just as I have a cooperating spirit to work with him, I pray for a cooperative spirit to take hold in him to work with me.

I can’t wait to become the old shoe…

Psalm 56

A Prayer for Relief from Tormentors

1 Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me; all day long they press their attack.
2 My slanderers pursue me all day long; many are attacking me in their pride.
3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
4 In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
5 All day long they twist my words; they are always plotting to harm me.
6 They conspire, they lurk, they watch my steps, eager to take my life.
7 On no account let them escape; in your anger, O God, bring down the nations.
8 Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll are they not in your record?
9 Then my enemies will turn back when I call for help. By this I will know that God is for me.
10 In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise-
11 in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
12 I am under vows to you, O God; I will present my thank offerings to you.
13 For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.

The explanation as to why this is the psalm of the day is ont its way....

Summer 2005 Professional Gatherings…A Recap

This summer has definitely been one for networking and preparing for the future. It has been the summer of intellectual gatherings, power networking and wearing sophisticated suits. I cannot complain. I am where I want to be. This is my life….

NAACP CONVENTION
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People held their 96th National Convention in my hometown, Milwaukee, Wisconsin last week. I had a wonderful time representing Howard as the Vice President of our youth and college chapter. Some highlights from the convention include: a forum on the psychology of racism, the traveling blacks in wax museum, Julian Bond’s opening/closing speeches and meeting NAACP members from across the nation.

Excellent programs and sessions were held. I volunteered at the Health Symposium which was hosted by the Cream City Medical Society of Wisconsin. I assisted with seating the members of the dais and passing out programs for the attendees. Timely and essential information was disseminated. It was great to be in the presence and talk with leaders in the current healthcare/ health policy sector.

The ACT-So competition and Awards show were phenomenal. Whoever says that the youth of today are going to hell in a hand basket should have seen those individuals. They displayed their talent in a plethora of areas: performing arts, visual arts, science, math, business and the humanities. As you can tell, I was impressed. The competition was about developing the person as well as the talent. With that focus, no one is a loser. All youth should participate in ACT-SO. It is a terrific program.

Summerfest, the nation’s LARGEST/LONGEST music festival was also in town at the time of the convention. There were two weeks of performances, both from local and national artists, on 12 stages. Each night in the Amphitheatre, a major headlining act came as well. The food is delicious. Every year at Summerfest, I get a flowering union, fried turkey leg and a super slushy. I missed seeing Talib Kweli but I did get go see Fantasia perform. She put on an energy-filled show.

All in all it was a great trip. It was refreshing to go home, spend time with my family and friends and sleep in my own bed and eat my father’s fried chicken and ribs.

AMP UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH SYMPOSIUM
This past weekend I attended the Alliance for Minority Participation’s undergraduate research symposium. While I won’t bore you with the details of my research, it was fun to travel to Hampton University to present it as well as see what research other students are doing at other schools.

Now that I have been to Hampton, I further assert that Howard is the better HU. I like Hampton’s campus and their facilities, but the surrounding area has nothing on Georgia Ave. It is so quiet. One has to travel so far to get to places that are open late. My friends and I went to the WORST IHOP EVER. Our CLOUDY (not purified) water was poured from a faucet that was used to wash dishes. The cook was a smoker. He left almost every 10 minutes to smoke. PLUS he had a cold and would sneeze and blow his nose while he was cooking. We were worried about the healthiness of our meal. But we didn’t get a chance to try and ingest it. We were served BURNT pancakes the first time. Mind you, we spent about an hour waiting for the first batch. The second batches of pancakes were undercooked. It took them ten minutes to cook those. The hurriedness showed…BOO! We didn’t wait any longer for the third batch. We left a complaint for the manager and called it a night.

We went to “Club Walmart” after IHOP. I was crowded. I didn’t expect that at 1:30 in the morning. That was interesting experience. I never thought there would be such a place that sold peaches, thongs, guns and hooker wear. Yes, Walwart sells hooker/stripper apparel. The platform shoes that light up when you walk were there. Crotchless panties were there. Revealing, sheer dresses were there. What was worse was the fact there were girls at the symposium wearing those shoes, thongs (I am VERY SORRY TO MY EYES FOR SEEING THAT! Shakes head and sighs…) and short, sheer dresses. I was very concerned. I didn’t know if I was going to a professional affair or the club. Despite their attire, they hand good research.

THE AFTERMATH
My enjoying the “good life” hasn’t come without some stress and strain. Dr. S covers a chapter a day during our lectures. I missed a great deal of material. I was absent two days when I attended the NAACP conference and another day at the AMP Symposium. The day after I returned, both times, we had exams. BOO!

It took perseverance and Fanta orange soda (Sidebar: My suitemate says that she thinks I’m addicted to orange soda since I drink it so much. She wants to send in a letter so I can become the orange fantana. Can’t you see me doing the dance and singing ‘Want a Fanta? Don’tcha want a Fanta?” Wouldn’t that be great?...lol/smiles) to pull all-nighters just so that I could begin to feel prepared. My first exam grades weren’t the best but they were ok. I am not going to drop the class. I must make the best of it.

I’m glad that all of my traveling to conferences is complete. Next, is the College Democrats of America (CDA) Convention this weekend. Thankfully, it’s in DC so I can go after work and class. YAY!

Psalm 25

I am REALLY introspective right now. A LOT of things are going through my head. One this is COMPLETELY clear: I know that I am imperfect and that I live in an imperfect world.

When things go wrong, it is easy to blame the other person/people. Remember, when you point one finger out, there are three fingers pointing back at you. No is without flaw. In times of distress distribute blame fairly. Where you are wrong take responsibility. Where the other person was wrong, they must take responsibilty.

Forgive yourself as well as the trangressor. That is the only way to heal and grow. After watching Diary of a Mad black woman, I got into my bible. I found this passage. It is a Plea for Deliverance and Forgiveness:

"1 Unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me.
3 Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.
4 Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths.
5 Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.
6 Remember, O LORD, thy tender mercies and thy lovingkindnesses; for they have been ever of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness’ sake, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD: therefore will he teach sinners in the way.
9 The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way.
10 All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth unto such as keep his covenant and his testimonies.
11 For thy name’s sake, O LORD, pardon mine iniquity; for it is great.
12 What man is he that feareth the LORD? him shall he teach in the way that he shall choose.
13 His soul shall dwell at ease; and his seed shall inherit the earth.
14 The secret of the LORD is with them that fear him; and he will shew them his covenant.
15 Mine eyes are ever toward the LORD; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net.
16 Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses.
18 Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and forgive all my sins.
19 Consider mine enemies; for they are many; and they hate me with cruel hatred.
20 O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee.
21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee.
22 Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles."

We should all internalize that one...(At least I should)

Diary of a Mad Black Woman

So I decided to stay in Dr. S’s class. We will see how this goes…

Last night was very cleansing. A friend of mine went with me to Kinkos to print my poster for the summer research symposium. Next we went to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. We returned to my room to watch “Diary of a Mad Black Woman.” My friend had never seen it. I love the movie and thought there would be no better way to end a “girls night.”

While I am in the group of people who subscribe that the play is much better than the movie, I cannot take anything away from the powerful work of art that is the movie. There isn’t a person who could relate to one of the characters. We all have loved. We all have lost. We all have been the bad guy. We all have been the good guy. Personally, I identify a lot with Helen and her situation. She is going through on a higher level what I am dealing with right now.

Tyler Perry is a wonderful writer. I have to buy all of his DVDs. I can’t wait for the play to be released on DVD so I can buy it. The music was also incredible. There is one gospel song near the end that really spoke to me. The song “Father Can You Hear Me” by Tamela Mann. Here are the lyrics:

Father can you hear me

We need your love today

I know that you are listening

You hear men everyday

Father please hear us

And we will be ok

Father we need you to heal families today

Father can you hear me

I'm calling on your name

Not Budda nor Muhammed

But it's Jesus we cry out loud

Father just forgive us

Hear us when we say

We'll give ya, give ya, give you everything

Our lives and souls today

Father you know we need it

I've never seen so much pain

We have the faith for now

Your victory we will gain

Father you know we mean it

There's no more heart of stone

Were ready for your power

Now the sin is gone

(Lead) Father

(Choir) Can you hear me now?

[REPEAT 4X's]

(Choir) He will say

(Lead) He will say yes

(Choir) yes, yes, yes, yes

(Lead) say yes Lord

(Choir) yes, yes

(Lead) yes to your will Jesus, yes to your will

(Choir) yes, yes

(Lead) come on say yes

(Choir) "yes,yes"

(Lead) say yes
(Choir) "yes,yes"

(Lead) come on raise your hand an say yes
(Choir) "yes,yes"

Ooh Lord
Can you heal even me Lord?
See I'm comin’ to you Lord just as I am
I'm in need of the blood of the lamb
Oh my oh my soul says yes, yes! (Choir: "yes,yes")

Can you heal even me? (Choir: "yes,yes")
I know I can’t do this by myself! (Choir: "yes,yes")
I surrender all! (Choir: "yes,yes")

Do you believe? (Choir: "yes,yes")
Somebody sing! (Choir: "yes,yes")
Somebody ought to send up a song! (Choir: "yes,yes")
Lift up so hands in joy! (Choir: "yes,yes")
Lift up so hands for the king! (Choir: "yes,yes")

WHEW! I am sooooo psyched every time I hear that song. I am encouraged and I find peace. Thank you Jesus!

P.S. I am not an angry black woman. I am a hurt black woman. It takes time to heal wounds of the heart. With God on my side, I will be successful. I can and will love (just as importantly trust) again.

Ball of Confusion

How am I feeling? I’m not too good. Why? I feel like my life is spinning out of control. Not that I need to remind any of you BUT reality sucks sometimes. What part of reality sucks today? It deals with my classes and something else. Thankfully, they are not together but separate. I’ve already discussed the other issue at LENGTH. I’m going to tackle the issue of my classes in this journal entry.

So what’s going on? I have been playing “devils advocate” with my Organic Chemistry 2 class. I got an A out of Organic Chemistry 1 with Dr. F. I was hoping for a repeat performance with him in summer session 2 BUT he decided to go teach in Africa. (Sidebar: On the one hand, I’m proud of him. Not everyone is invited to go teach at a University in Africa. That’s AMAZING! On the other hand, he screwed our class. We have to deal with a new professor for the second half of the two part course.) The new professor, Dr. S, took Dr. F’s place. Dr. S is hard to understand on many levels. To combat this issue, I have been attending Dr. M’s class in the morning. I gave myself the deadline of Fri to switch classes. In the meantime, I've been attending both the AM (Dr. M) class and the PM (Dr. S) class.

The PM class had an exam on Tuesday. I did horribly. The AM class had an exam on Wed. I did alright. (Sidebar: I am actually registered for the PM class) The AM teacher found out that I was attending both classes and yelled at me for doing it. He said that he would grade my exams and quizzes harder because of it. Why is the AM teacher so mad? He said that I shouldn’t try to make this easier on myself. In his head, I needed to make a decision during the original registration period and live with the consequences of it instead of handling it the way I did. By doing things my way, I am not breaking any rules. I cleared it with the Chemistry Department Chairman and the HU Office of Student Records. It’s all about self-preservation…

On the flipside, the PM teacher knows that I am attending both classes and applauds my effort. He said that he would work with me to try and get an ok grade. (Sidebar: What is an “ok grade”? I want an A, I’ll settle for a B if I have to.)

You may be asking yourself: why is she perplexed? Here is the answer: I’m faced with the decision of staying in the PM class (in which I’m doing horribly so far) and working WITH a prof who wants to help me OR switching (officially) to the AM class (in which I’m doing alright) and working AGAINST the prof who is going to make my life a living hell. Neither one of the options are great. Both have substantial risks attached I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been told to pray about it. I have done so already and will continue to do so. I prayed that I will make the right decision. The peace and happiness that I felt yesterday was the answer to my prayer (I thought). But it didn’t last long. Clearly, it wasn’t for real. Things have been made more complicated. My friend (thank you so much for being there “JW…hun…04”) told me: “I think u need to pray about it and then weigh out your options and consider the choice you think is best. If you are wise about your decision then it is the decision God wants you to do.”

I better get on my knees. When praises go up, blessings come down…

The Problem With Horoscopes

I normally don't believe in horoscopes. Most of the time, they just aren’t applicable to your life. Every now and again they make sense. Yesterday, I was bored at work and decided to read my daily horoscope. Even though I read it for fun, it really was relevant for me.

Here was the Pisces horoscope for Wednesday, July 13:
“Ever hear the expression 'there are no victims, only volunteers'? Well, you're about to be posed with a choice: Whether to volunteer and risk being emotionally victimized or to cut your losses now and move on.”

This is VERY ironic. I lectured my brother this whole past weekend on choices. I told him that God granted us the gift of free will. The crux of the gift of free will is the responsibility that we must accept for our actions. My brother made his choice (bad); he is dealing with the consequences (baldness).

It seemed so easy to solve his problem. There were issues and possible solutions. Solutions were rationalized in terms of physical, spiritual, psychological and emotional ramifications. Although that may sound complex, it didn’t seem like it was when we (my parents and I) did it.

Turnabout is fair play. I have issues and possible solutions. My solutions have also been rationalized in terms of physical, spiritual, psychological and emotional ramifications. When it comes to solving my issues, I am experiencing GREAT difficulty choosing the resolution. (Sidebar: The fact that I am more analytical instead of emotional has A LOT to do with this I’m sure.)

This makes me uneasy because I am used to having a plan. I’ve never gone this long without a plan in its enfant stages at least. Everything I do is completely on the fly. I have never been this wishy-washy before in a decision. Things are normally clear. Even when they are not, I am confident in my final decision and I proceed to take action. I’m surely out of my comfort zone. I know that this is a great opportunity for personal growth and development. Jeez this is hard. (Sigh) I can't blame anyone but myself for this. I am the resaon why I am here. I have to choose...

Here was the Pisces horoscope for Tuesday, July 12:
Still completely and totally focused on one particular person (1)? Good -- because there's absolutely no doubt that the feeling is extremely mutual (2). Now's the time to make the rest of the world go away (3).

What did those numbers mean?
(1.) I thought that being completely and totally focused on one person was unhealthy.
(2.) Are my feelings truly mutual?
(3.) How do I make the rest of the world go away when it is falling apart?

I’m so confused…gosh darn horoscopes…

Happy 4th of July! (Belated)

As I sat on the mall watching the fireworks, playing spades with my girlfriends and conversing with tourists, a bittersweet taste was in my mouth. My mind ran across this quote by Frederick Douglass:

"What, to the American slave, is your Fourth of July? I answer: a day that reveals to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to which he is the constant victim. To him, your celebration is a sham; your boasted liberty, an unholy license; your national greatness, swelling vanity; your sounds of rejoicing are empty and heartless; your denunciation of tyrants, brass-fronted impudence; your shouts of liberty and equality, hollow mockery; your prayers and hymns, your sermons and thanksgivings, with all your religious parade and solemnity, are, to Him, mere bombast, fraud, deception, impiety, and hypocrisy-a thin veil to cover up crimes which would disgrace a nation of savages. There is not a nation of savages. There is not a nation on the earth guilty of practices more shocking and bloody than are the people of the United States at this very hour."
-Frederick Douglass

For those of us who are so enlightened to see what is actually going on in this country, they can see the validity in Douglass' quote. The term "American slave" could mean so many things. One could replace it with "military personnel", "inhabitants of a war torn Iraq", "Europeans", even "American citizens." All of us, regardless of race, religion, gender and socioeconomic standing are enslaved in someway by America. It?s just not fair. (Sidebar: Who said life was "fair" though?)

Don't get it twisted, I really like my country. (Sidebar: I wouldn't fight for it in war, but I am not a military person. I send shout outs and love/respect/appreciation for those in the military.) Despite its flaws, the United States of America is a pretty good place to be. In my opinion, it is just not as good as it proclaims itself to be.

Since the country has set itself on a pedestal, certain things just should not occur. Our literacy percentage should be higher. Everyone should have access to quality education and healthcare. The economic and social infrastructure should not be in shambles. If other countries have these things and America is supposed to be the best of the best, our country set the standard for these basic rights. Let's hope that one day our country gets it together to uphold the humanistic and moral ideals on which this country was founded.

I send my love and prayers to all of those in the military as well as those who have been affected by America.

(Sidebar: I have my answer...now I know what to do)

How Did I Get Here?

How did I get here? No one is ever supposed to be here…

“Life hurts. Life is painful. Life is suffering.
There is nothing in life that does not involve trial.
There is nothing worthwhile that doesn’t have a cost.
Yet, we must go on.
There is nothing great that does not require a series of small acts.
We must persevere.
If we do, good times are sure to follow.
If we constantly seek, even in darkness,
Guidance is sure to come.
If we strive against evil, no matter what the cost, righteousness is sure to triumph.”
-Deng Ming Dao, in Everyday Tao: Living With Balance and Harmony

I’m so conflicted. Things were going so well. I had peace about the situation before. Now, it’s lost. I have an idea but I don’t want to guess. I want to know. There are two options. Either I win or I lose. Lord knows I’m tired of losing. But I need to know what I need to do. I will learn to be happy with either. What will it be? Please let me know (SOON)….

Words on my brain:
1.) Un·con·di·tion·al- Without conditions or limitations; absolute: demanded unconditional surrender
2.) Love- a.) A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. b.) A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3.) Risk -The possibility of suffering harm or loss; danger
4.) Safe·ty -The condition of being safe; freedom from danger, risk, or injury.

All I can do is SIGH….