The Breakup Soundtrack

Dealing with this break up situation has been really hard. It isn’t impossible to get over, but it is harder than I expected it to be. When I am up, I am REALLY up. But when I’m down, I’m REALLY down. I’ve been doing a lot of self-introspection, journaling, praying and reading of the bible as well as other self-help books.


During this period, I have been listening to a lot of different music. I love music and I believe that my life has a soundtrack. This portion of the soundtrack is full of Justin Timberlake songs. This makes perfect sense. The “Justified” album was primarily written about the Justin/Britney break-up.


Let’s get into my head-
I think about my ex-boyfriend a lot more than I should. It’s not as much as I used to but it still happens. There are so many reminders of him. I loved and cared for him so much. Even after all he’s done and all we’ve been though, its weird and it just seems wrong to think and continue life without him. But it must be done. We grew together successfully. We can grow apart successfully. Justin Timberlake’s “Still On My Brain” describes these moments:


“The beautiful days are long gone
I can't seem to breathe
It feels like it hasn't been that long
Since you walked away from me
Now I can try to act real strong
But you and I both know I still think of you that way
You should know (that)
The beautiful lights the star filled nights
They don't mean a thing

Cause you were my star and so it don't seem right
Without you here with me
Now I can try to act real strong
But you and I both know its hard for me to say
You were my soul
Now I could say that I don't love you no more


And I could say that I've closed the door for our love
And I can tell you I feel It's time for us to go our separate ways
But baby I just wouldn't be the same
Cause your love is still on my brain
Now when your in love it takes time to heal
When someone's broken your heart and changes how you feel
I thought that you'd never do me that way
But even after all I still think of you that way
Now I could say that I don't love you no more
And I could say that I've closed the door for our love
And I can tell you I feel It's time for us to go our separate ways
But baby I just wouldn't be the same
Cause your love is still on my brain
Now love is a game that we both like to play
But will I win or lose if I go or if I stay
Even though I try to hide my broken heart inside
You know me inside out and I can't get you off my mind
Now I could say that I don't love you no more
And I could say that I've closed the door for our love
And I can tell you I feel It's time for us to go our separate ways
But baby I just wouldn't the same
Cause your love is still on my brain”


The reason I am having such a hard time letting go is because I thought that we would always be together. I know that relationships have their ups and downs. I figured that this would just be a “down” that we would have to deal with together and turn into an “up.” This isn’t a comma. Unexpectedly, I’ve found myself at a period.


Justin Timberlake’s “Take It From Here” describes how I tried to care for my ex-boyfriend, how I wanted him to care for me as well as how I will care for my boyfriend/husband in the future. I want to be able to show stable, unconditional, supportive love reciprocally. But my partner must have a cooperative spirit and like mind. Here are the lyrics:


“I wanna be your lake, for your bay
And any problems that you have
I wanna wash 'em away
I wanna be your sky
So blue and high
And everytime you think of me
I wanna blow your mind
I wanna be your air
So sweet and fair
So when you feel that you can't breathe
Baby, I'll be there
I wanna be your answer, all the time
When you see how I put your life before mine
With no question

When all the love feels gone
And you can't carry on
Don't worry,
I'ma take it from here
Just as sure as the sun will shine
Every morning, everytime
Don't worry,
I'ma take it from here
I wanna hold your hands
Review all your plans
I wanna make sure everyone of your dreams will stand
I wanna be your broadway show on review (Why?)
So I can act out how God was when he made you
I wanna be your lighthouse when you get lost
I'll light a bright and shining path to help you across
I wanna be your mother, wait
See what I see
And when you see that can't nobody hold you like me
Cause I love you
When all the love feels gone
And you can't carry on
Don't worry,
I'ma take it from here (Take it from here, baby)
Just as sure as the sun will shine
Every morning, everytime
Don't worry, (no no)
I'ma take it from here
And when there's no one there to hold
And you realize the world is cold
Don't worry,
I'ma take it from here
That's what I'm gonna do
Just as sure as the sun will shine
Every morning, every time (Don't you worry, baby, baby)
Don't worry, girl (Baby)
I'ma take it from here
(I'll take you wherever you want)
Give me one reason why we should not be leaving
This world is so deceiving, the time is now
Let's fly away speeding
Through the Garden of Eden
Where all the sweet breathing of love surrounds
When all the love feels gone
And you can't carry on
Don't worry,
I'ma take it from here
Just as sure as the sun will shine
Every morning, everytime
Don't worry, (no no)
I'ma take it from here
Love ain't always the way they write in books (No, no)
See there's the good guys
And also heartbreak crooks
Your hearts the real book
Just take a look inside
'Cause it's a colorful illustrated guide
So there you go
Don't worry
I'll be the one
To help you weather the storm
I'll be there
No matter what time
No matter what place
You can always count on me
I'll take it from here”


I can’t take my ex-boy friend from anywhere. We are no longer together. Given his current state of mind we can’t be together. Unless things change drastically, we cant ever be together again. Justin Timberlake’s “Never Again” describes this:


“Would have given up my life for you
Guess it's true what they say about love
It's blind
You lied straight to my face
Looking in my eyes
And I believed you 'cause I loved you more than life
And all you had to do
Was apologize (1)
You didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the woman (2)
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend (3)
And you'll never get to love me, again (4)
No, no, no, no, no, no
Sadness has me at the end of the line
Helpless watched you break this heart of mine
And loneliness only wants you back here with me
Common sense knows that you're not good enough for me (4)
And all you had to do
Was apologize, and mean it (1)
You didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the woman (2)
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend (3)
And you'll never get to love me, again (4)
It's like hell I could go back in time
Maybe then I could see how
Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try (5)
But it's too late, it's over now (5)
You didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the woman (2)
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend (3)
And you'll never get to love me, again (4)”


What did those numbers mean? Let me break it down:
(1.) “All you had to do was apologize, and mean it.” I loved him so much that all he would have to do to make things better was to apologize and mean it. I would’ve forgave and forget. We would move on together as one cohesive unit toward a bright future. I’ve done my best to show him what true loves does. By no means am I saying that I was perfect in our relationship. I have fallen short sometimes but I apologized when I’ve made mistakes. I did my best. For 11 months, I knew he was doing his “best.” For the 12th month, I know that he gave up.


(2.) “Now I'm half the woman.” I’m only half the woman I was when we were together because I gave so much of myself to you. I gave you my attention, heart, mind, body and soul. He gave me the same. But he took it all away from me. I feel the void of sharing and being shared.


(3.) “My heart may never mend.” I know that is no true. It just feels like that when I am having a “down” moment. As time moves forward, I will feel like this less and less until my heart mends completely.


(4.) “You'll never get to love me, again.” I can’t say for sure that is what will happen in the future. Out of loneliness and an extreme desire to be with him, I want us to get back together. In my heart, I want to be his everything through the good times and the bad. In my head, I know that right now (and possibly forever) that just can’t be. Apparently, right now we aren’t meant to be together. If we are meant to be together in the future, we will be. If we are meant to be apart in the future, we will. I will be truly happy with either outcome, as long as its right.


(5.) “Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try…But it's too late, it's over now.” I want to forgive him for giving up and letting me go. He didn’t apologize. He doesn’t want to be forgiven. I know this because he doesn’t want to be with me. Why do I still want to forgive him? The answer lies in how I view our relationship. It’s like I’ve been in a relationship with two people. All I want is for that person that I have been in love with for 11 months to come back. That person was confident, patient, forgiving, understanding, honest, respectful, trustworthy, caring and fun to be around. He loved me the way I want to be loved. The person I was with in the 12th month is a stranger to me. I can’t be in a relationship with that person. That person kept a record of wrongs. He was insecure, impatient, dishonest, and disrespectful. He didn’t forgive or forget. He doesn’t love me the way I want to be loved. If that first person cam back and could prove the second person was gone, I may take him back. I can’t even thing of that. It is WAY in the future. In terms of the “now”, we are over. I must continue to heal.

Yesterday, I Cried

Every time I feel that I am making progress, something happens to pull me back. It’s like someone pulls the scab off, forces wound to bleed and rubs salt in the wounds. Its like I take one step forward, and then I take two steps back. I hate this cycle. It’s very painful. I was reading “Yesterday I Cried” by Iyanla Vanzant. It is helping me get through this difficult time. While I no longer cry over the ex-boyfriend, the poem describes those times I did cry” The opening poem of the introduction reads:

“Yesterday I Cried”
I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed,kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,and I had myself a good cry.
I'm telling you,I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.I cried until my ears were hot.I cried until my head was hurting so badthat I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand,I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways,and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself,only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to methe same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances,which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.
Yesterday, I cried.I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.I cried because hurt has no place to goexcept deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place,and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late. I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't knowthat my soul knew everything I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming, Because Yesterday, I cried with an agenda.

Youth Sunday @ Mt. Jezreel

I LOVE MY CHURCH! BET's "Cousin Jeff" preached @ Mt. Jezreel on Sunday. It was youth Sunday. I have to say the young people have it going on! They sang, praised and ushered. Despite all of the negavity that is broadcasted about the youth, I am here to tell you that there is still hope for our young people. Minister Johnson broke down 1 Timothy 4:12-16.

Take Heed to Your Ministry

"12Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity. 13Till I come, give attention to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine. 14Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you by prophecy with the laying on of the hands of the eldership. 15Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. 16Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you."

Spread the good word everyone...especially young people!

I love Iyanla

Iyanla Vanzant's Commentary:
Wouldn't it be wonderful if our first love could be our one and only love, forever and ever, amen? Well surely you know by now that life is not like that. People come and go in our lives, taking a piece of our heart with them. As difficult or painful as it may be, that is exactly what they should do. We have more than enough love to share and spare, and we should give it freely. When we love for a reason it feels good to give love, because we get what we give. When we have a seasonal love, it is a whirlwind love, preparing us for something better. When those very special people come into our lives, we can and do love them forever. Loving is not what causes our emotional damage, it is an attempt to throw people out of our hearts and minds. When we love reasonably for the season we are in, we will undoubtedly enjoy a lifetime of loving.

I know why you are in my life and I love you for that reason.

Shout Outs

They say that you should give credit where credit is due. I would like to send a shout out to my support base. I thank God for my family, my parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. I love you all soooo much. Thank you for showing my what family is suppossed to be. I thank God for my friends as well. You all have spent the night, lent your ear (or eyes as the case may be), given me a shoulder, etc. You words of encouragement and advice are greatly appreciated. Thank you Wheatley 4-dub, Mil-town peeps, orange and green confusion, the dirty peach and the super sweet suitemate. Y'all are the bomb!

Psalm 6

The healing process has begun.

A Prayer of Faith in Time of Distress

2Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak*; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled. 3My soul also is greatly troubled; But You, O LORD--how long? 4Return, O LORD, deliver me! Oh, save me for Your mercies' sake! 6I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears. 7My eye wastes away because of grief; It grows old because of all my enemies*. 8Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity*; For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping. 9The LORD has heard my supplication; The LORD will receive my prayer. 10Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled; Let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly.


*Weak=although I am saddened by the lost of my first love. All hope is not gone. My spiritual strength is flexing its muscle as my physical and emotional strength get a workout. I am strong in spirit through faith.


*Enemies/Workers of Iniquity= these are not references to my ex-boyfriend. He is not the enemy or a worker of iniquity. He is some unnamed gray space between a friend and a lover. Our breakup is not the enemy or a worker of iniquity. The outcome is hard to deal with at times. But this is truly a merciful act of God. What is the enemy or a worker of iniquity? You just have to ask to find out.

The Breakup

On June 18, 2005 my boyfriend and I broke up for good. He made the decision to put his longtime childhood friend/ex-girlfriend above me. This is the same girl that he cheated on me with. He still loves her (loves her more than me). He claims he is not in love with her.. They are not together romanticly…yet…I believe in time they will end up together.


Back to the point, she’s pregnant now. He says that it is not his baby. That is not why we have broken up. We are breaking up because he has made the decision to put her and her child above our relationship. She will be number one in his life.


Since I am who I am, I refuse to be number two. I am too good for that. In an intimate relationship, I will be number “one”. I will not unseat God or Family. But when it comes to friends, I come above friends. That is what makes me the “girlfriend”. That is what will make me the “wife”.


I did the best that I could do. I did all that I could do. I gave it the “old college try.” PRAYER IS AMAZING! I prayed for peace, serenity, the ability to trust myself/him and a clear indicator of whether or not I should be with him. I got what I prayed for. This pregnancy situation, his outwright saying he fell out of love with me, that he loves the other gurl more than me and that she(with or without her child) will always be number one is his life is about as clear an indicator as you can get. The peace is here. The trust will come. I have my calm in the storm. It is not me who is providing calm. I know where to give my praises. Thank you Jesus!


“10But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.” 1 Corinthians 15:10


I showed him love the way the bible told me so. I realize now that the reason I couldn’t bring myself to trust him was because it wasn’t for me to trust him in that way. It just wasn’t meant to be. The bible says:
“8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.” -1 Corinthians 13:8-10
I don’t know about prophesy. I’m not sure about tongues. But the knowledge has made our love pass away.


I am hurt but I thank God though. I am happy that I found this out now before we went any further into our relationship. God knows exactly what he is doing. This is my time to be hurt. This is my time to grow. There is a time and place for everything:
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.”- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


I am not the first to have my heart broken. I will not be the first to be healed from a broken heart. I put my life in His hands. He will provide for me. I know that I am truly blessed.
“3Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. 6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. 7Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. 8Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. 9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. 10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”-Matthew 5:3-10


I do not hate him. I am saddened by his decision. But it is for the greater good. I will forgive him. It is the only way to for me to find peace and achieve eternal life:
“12Forgive us the wrongs we have done, as we forgive the wrongs that others have done to us... 14If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done.”-Matthew 6:12,14,15


Once again, I look to that passage I wrote to myself a while back. Now that I am out of the relationship, it makes even more sense:
“Life is constantly changing. Various people, places & things are put into our lives. They bring various emotions that fluctuate with earthquake proportions. Sometimes they stay for a season, or they may stay for the duration of our lives. It is important to see these people for who they are & what they mean for your life. Sometimes the separation means more good than harm either for u, the person, or your relationship. With the altering states of our reality, sometimes it is easy to lose our grounding. Remember, the good book says: "Peace, I leave with you. My peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth you, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it not be afraid." John 14:27”


Our relationship has come to an end. I said “goodbye.” Now I must heal.

I Love My Papa

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! Today in church, we talked about Abraham. He was the father of his people. He provided for them. He led them. That is what fathers do. Pastor Spearman also showed us the biblical instructions on how to treat our fathers:

“1 My son, do not forget my law, But let your heart keep my commands;
2For length of days and long life and peace they will add to you.
3Let not mercy and truth forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart,
4And so find favor and high esteem in the sight of God and man.
5Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;
6In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct[a] your paths.
7Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and depart from evil.”-Proverbs 3:1-7

The law that is referenced is the Ten Commandments. For today’s purpose, we focused on parental commandment:

“16Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” -Deuteronomy 5:16

This Father’s Day has a special meaning to me. This Father’s Day falls on Juneteenth Day, the liberation of the slaves. While I know there is no such thing as being “liberated” from a father, on this day I realize that he is in the process of shifting his role in my life. My father provided for me. My father has led me. Now things are changing. Gone are the days when he was my primary problem solver and emotion protector. Back in those days, all I had to do was tell him that something was broken. Then he would fix it. In keeping with this theme of growth and maturity, I chose a poem that explains how I feel:

“Before I was myself you made me, me
With love and patience, discipline and tears,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,
Allowing me to sail upon my sea,
Though well within the headlands of your fears.
Before I was myself you made me, me
With dreams enough of what I was to be
And hopes that would be sculpted by the years,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free,
Relinquishing your powers gradually
To let me shape myself among my peers.
Before I was myself you made me, me,
And being good and wise, you gracefully
As dancers when the last sweet cadence nears
Bit by bit stepped back to set me free.
For love inspires learning naturally:
The mind assents to what the heart reveres.
And so it was through love you made me, me
By slowly stepping back to set me free.”
-J. Marques

At age nineteen, I am slowly drifting from childhood to young adulthood. I was aware this was happening before. But certain situations have brought it to the forefront. Now I am the primary problem solver and emotion protector. My father is still there for me in those capacities, but it is a secondary role. I am not saying that I am too “grown” for his care. I know that as long as he is living, he will not forsake me in those capacities. He will always be my “Papa”. I will always be his “baby girl”. I love my Papa.

Songs = Feelings

I thought that I would be singing a little bit of Teddy Pendergrass:
“It's so good lovin' somebody
And that somebody loves you back

To be loved and be loved in return
It's the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you're the one who's got me inspired
Keep on liftin', liftin' me higher
So good lovin' somebody
And that somebody loves you back and that's a fact
It's so good needin' somebody
And that somebody needs you back
Said not 70/30
Not 60/40
Talkin' 'bout a 50/50 love”

But instead I’m singing a little bit of Alicia Keys:
“Friends we've been for so long
Now true colors are showing
Makes me wanna cry oh yes it does
Cuz I had to say goodbye
You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh
By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad”

I know why I feel the way I do. Lauryn Hill is helping me to understand:
“It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars

Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will”

It hurts so bad. Although I am sad, I am empowered by the Lord. I thank God that I have a relationship with Him. He is the calm in my storm. I have faith in him. I know that he would not put more on me than I can bear. I know that I can make it. The bible is great:

“I can do all things through God who strengthens me.” Phillipians 4:13
“Weeping may endure for the night, joy does come in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

May the Lord help me through this night, I am looking for the glorious morning.

You, Me, She, Trust and a Day Off

I came to a realization today. I have got to get a handle on the trusting the boyfriend situation. I am happy that we are back together. I wouldn’t write it or say it unless I truly believed it. Our relationship is still fragile but it’s on its way to being like it used to be. Yes, I have forgiven him. No, I have not forgiven the cheating act yet. Yes, I can separate the two entities. I need to complete that “cheating act forgiveness” as soon as possible.

It is hard (not that I expected it to be easy.) I am treading a fine line between letting him know how I feel and pushing him away. I do not want him to feel like I don’t trust him, but the truth is I don’t trust him. The problem is I don’t exactly know how to trust him again. All I know is that it takes time. I’m going to feel like this for a little while. I’m doing the best I can. I want and try to believe him. I have what I call “baby confidence.” Hopefully it will grow into “adult trust.”

Most of the time, I am ok. I act and react like I normally would. But sometimes things change. It’s like I morph into this “other person”. No I am not suffering from multiple personalities. I just feel like I’m behaving in a way that is not normal for me. I do not like when I become that person. This person is overly emotional. It feels like I’m on my period. I feel unhappy and angry. It is easy for me to become agitated. I cry all of the time. I keep having vengeful and irrational thoughts. This needs to stop immediately. I want be “normal” again. Until that occurs, I’m driving myself crazy.

Today, the boyfriend took off of work because he has been working long hours for the past few weeks. He’s been complaining of exhaustion. When we spent time together, he slept a lot. For those reasons, I thought that he would spend the day in bed resting. Isn’t that was exhausted people do? I didn’t think he would leave the house except to go to the carryout or run an errand for his grandfather. Of course he would leave if something extreme (he hurt himself or someone else he cared about was hurt) occurred. In my head, there were no other logical reasons for him to leave the house.

This afternoon, I checked in with the boyfriend around 2pm. I had just thought to myself: “I wish I could be with him today. It is probably better that I’m busy since he said he was going to try and spend the day alone resting.” He text messaged me back: “I was kidnapped.” I assumed the culprits were his parents or his grandfather. I thought: “They always find something for him to do when he is trying to relax. At least his is not spending his day off with that ‘gurl’ (oh so many names could be used…but that is the name I’m using in my journal for the girl he cheated on me with.)” Almost instantly, I received a text message: “Sorry. He’s mine for the day=the gurl.” It turns out that the boyfriend left his grandfather’s house around 11 this morning with no intentions for traveling to the carryout, running an errand for his grandfather, or attending to an emergency.

I was livid. The first thought that ran through my mind was: "I know this GURL did not just write that to me. She has the upper hand. She knows it and is using it against me. The boyfriend warned me that she may say things to be obnoxious. She is flaunting her prowess in my face. How dare she! This is NOT funny!" I felt as though I was slapped and spit on. I didn’t understand why a person who was so tired would spend the day out of the house or why he would spend his day off with her of all people. It was ironic as hell because I was listening to Donnell Jones’ song “Where I Wanna Be.” Of course with that ‘gurl’ is where he would want to be. Well that isn’t completely accurate. I found out later that they went out in a group. Five other individuals were present.

I know that there was nothing sexual or romantic between them. But it still hurt. I really am trying to get over how I feel about her and her place in his life. As long as I am with him, I will have to deal with her. I know that she will probably never be out of his life. It is just a pain in the butt to be reminded. Hopefully, my efforts and his patience will pay off. He will have my trust and I will have his heart.

Mt. Jezreel Part 2

I attended Mt. Jezreel Baptist Church today. I enjoyed myself. The choir was off the hook. It was the Voices of Thunder a.k.a. the men’s choir time in the choir seats. They sang this song called "Still Here" by the Williams Brothers. The song really spoke to my soul. I hope the lyrics will speak to yours:

Heartaches, I’ve had my share of heartaches
But I’m still here
Troubles, I’ve seen my share of troubles
But I’m still here
Bruises, I’ve taken my lumps and bruises
But I’m still here.
Loneliness, I’ve had my share of loneliness
But I’m still here.

Through it all I made it though another day’s journey
God kept me here
I made it though another day’s journey
God kept me here

Lied on, so many times I’ve been lied on
But I’m still here.
Burdens, I’ve had to bear so many burdens
But I’m still here.
Dark days, I’ve had my share of dark days
But I’m still here.
Disappointments, I’ve had so many disappointments
But I’m still here.

Through it all I made it though another day’s journey
God kept me here (I thank God I’m still here)
I made it though another day’s journey
God kept me here

Its by the grace of God that I’m still here today
He was always there, no matter what came my way
I prayed to Him in my time of need
And there he was standing right there just to see about me

I made it though another day’s journey
God kept me here
I made it though another day’s journey
God kept me here

I made it, yes I made it (A lot of people said I wouldn’t be here today)
I’m still here
I made it, yes I made it (By the Grace of God)
I’m still here
I made it, yes I made it (I had to stay up all night sometimes, tossing turning)
I’m still here

Through it all I’m still here

A guest preacher, Reverend Jerome McFarland spoke on relationships. Given the current state of affairs in my life, that was exactly the kind of message that I needed to hear. Rev. McFarland and his wife have been married for 46 years. (Their 47th Wedding Anniversary is coming up next week Saturday…Isn’t Black, Christian love beautiful?) He said that it is not an accident that their marriage had survived that long. He attributed the relationship’s health and longevity to a foundation in God and Christian principles. For those of us who were listening he had some tips:
1. Make an agreement not to fuss and fight-
- Arguments cause unnecessary consternation.
- Learn to discuss intelligently and not argue ignorantly.
- Bring all problems to the Lord in prayer (together and separately).
2. Treat you mate as your best friend and brother/sister-Biblical Reference:
24A man who has friends must himself be friendly,[a] But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother
-Proverbs 18:24 (New King James Version)
17A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.
-Proverbs 17:17 (New King James Version)
3. Forgive at all costs-Biblical Reference:
12 “Forgive us the wrongs we have done, as we forgive the wrongs that others have done to us... 14 If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done.”
-Matthew 6:12,14,15 (New King James Version)
4. Love your family, friends, and mate as God loved you-Biblical Reference:
Love and Joy Perfected
9"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. 10If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love.
11These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. 12This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”
-John 15:9-12 (New King James Version)

Question: How much did God love us?
Answer: John 3:16 (New King James Version)
16”For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

Question: How does one describe God’s love for us (this is also the love that we should have for each other)?
Answer: 1 Corinthians 13:4-10 (New King James Version)
4”Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

*That was my spiritual food for the week. I hope it quenches someone else’s thirst as well.*

Two CRAZYE Nights!

The past few nights have been WONDERFUL! Let me get you all caught up on the wonderful life that I have led-

Tuesday Night:
My bf and I celebrated our one-year anniversary on June 7, 2005. We went to the Cheesecake Factory. We talked and took pictures. A life-long dream was realized. I always wanted to order steak from a restaurant. I always looked at the steak and wondered what it would be like to partake in such a meal. In my head, steak was for grown people. I was always told that I was “too young” to order it when I went to dinner with my family. I GOT MY WISH (Oh yea…seasoned skirt steak…BABY!) It was SOOOOO good (not better than my steak though…hehehe…you got that Bran-man?). YAY STEAK!

I felt so special. Even though our relationship has had its ups and downs, I’m glad that we are still together. I really hope that we can get back to how things once were. It will be a struggle but I’m not afraid to work for what I want. Our gifts were nice. I bought a card, compiled a discography of our relationship, and I will be getting him a Tupac book and a fitted hat and/or T-shirt. He bought me a card, a half dozen roses, put my name on the waiting list to get the Harry Potter book the day it comes out, and there may be “something else” (as he calls it) and he paid for dinner. YAY LOVE!

Wednesday Night:
I attended the “Rock the Vote” Awards on June 8, 2005. It was the 15th Anniversary of the organization. For those of you who don’t know, Rock the Vote is a non-profit, non-partisan organization, founded in 1990 in response to a wave of attacks on freedom of speech and artistic expression. It engages youth in the political process by incorporating the entertainment community and youth culture into its activities. I was the “Honored Guest” of LaToia Jones, the Executive Director of College Democrats of America/Director of Campus Outreach for the Democratic National Committee. YAY CONNECTIONS!

My partner in crime/Presidential Candidate in 2024, L. N. Myers, was present at the event with me. We definitely looked the part in our cute “after five”-ish dresses. We brought a bunch of business cards and distributed nearly all of them. I met so many people: DNC employees, the Future Democratic Leaders of America a.k.a. the Senate/House of Representatives Interns. I took pictures with the power players: John McCain, Barrack Obama, Gwen Moore (My Representative), and other important democrats. I definitely want a life in politics. I can’t wait until going to events like that as a power player (the person everyone wants to meet). That will be my life. It will be hard work but I plan on living/working/playing in the American political center that is Washington, DC. YAY HEALTH POLICY!

Well there was an after party at Dream Night Club. The Black Eyed Peas and Nikko Costa performed. It was SOOO CRUNK! I felt kinda bad that my bf wasn’t there. I knew he would want me to have fun as long as I don’t break our mutually agreed upon rules: 1.) Don’t get drunk to the point of incoherence; 2.) Don’t dance on the wall; 3.) Don’t dance on the floor; 4.) Don’t feel up or get felt up; 5.) Don’t be a dud…HAVE FUN!!! There was some dancing. I didn’t do anything that would get me in trouble. (THANK GOODNESS for the two-step..lol/JK) I mainly sipped on the “sizzurp” and networked (I realize now that is the best combination of business and pleasure). YAY BEING GROWN (and SEXY)!

Thursday Night:
I was exhausted from Tuesday and Wednesday's activities. I took frequent naps. YAY SLEEP!

IF
By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream-and not make dreams your master;
If you can think-and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings-nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And-which is more-you'll be a Man, my son!

I am not a man but the same ideas still apply. The sentiments hold true for everyone!

Why do I feel so sad?

I’m in an emotional quandary right now. I have a confession to make: I was cheated on both emotionally and physically. Here is another confession: we were both imperfect in our relationship. (Sarcastic sidebar: BIG SURPRISE...none of us are infallible...) Our imperfections, along with his want/need to have certain needs met, caused his infidelity. I do not believe, HOWEVER, but there are ever legitimate grounds for infidelity.

After getting over the devastation of having my worst relationship fear (nightmare) realized, I forgave the cheater. I forgave him, but I have not forgiven the act. (I'm working on forgiving the act...its hard...it takes time.)

Now, there is a trust gap. I love him. He loves me. But the trust is gone. At first, the distrust was contained. But now, it has spilled over into all facets of our relationship. I don't know what to do.

I was listening to Alicia Keys (oh, the irony) and I was listening to this song called “Good Bye”. I don’t want to say good bye to him or our relationship right now. I’m not ready to say good bye. But I relate to the general gist of the song. Here are the lyrics:

How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Maybe love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I know now I was naïve
Never knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I'veGiven him all that I could
Was it something wrong that we did
Because others infiltrated
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know when you've never been here before
It's so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I've ever known

So how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I looked to the bible for assistance:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears (1 Corinthians 13:4-10).

After reading the bible, I perused the dictionary to clear up some things:

§ re·la·tion·ship (rĭ-lā'shən-shĭp') n. 1.) The condition or fact of being related; connection or association. 2.) Connection by blood or marriage; kinship. 3.) A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other: has a close relationship with his siblings. 4.) A romantic or sexual involvement.

§ love (lŭv) n. 1.) A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. 2.) A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. a.) Sexual passion. b.) Sexual intercourse. c.) A love affair.3.) An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. 4.) A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment. 5.) An expression of one's affection

§ hope (hōp) n. 1.) A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment. 2.) Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope. 3.) One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory. 4.) often Hope Christianity. The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help. 5.) Archaic. Trust; confidence.

§ trust (trŭst) v.tr. 1.) To have or place confidence in; depend on. 2.) To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time. 3.) To believe: I trust what you say. 4.) To place in the care of another; entrust. 5.) To grant discretion to confidently: Can I trust them with the boat? 6.) To extend credit to.

§ par·a·noi·a (păr'ə-noi'ə) n. 1.) A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason. 2.) Extreme, irrational distrust of others.[Greek, madness, from paranoos, demented : para-, beyond; see para–1 + nous, noos, mind.]

§ lie (lī) n. 1.) A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood. 2.) Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.

§ li·ar (lī'ər) n. 1.) One that tells lies.

...I wonder what my next move should be...I want to be with him…I want nothing more to be with him and please him (I love him)…I’m so confused…the research is complete…but I still don’t understand….decisions must be made.

Organic Chemistry Exam 1

My Feelings:
Yesterday was the day I took my first organic chemistry exam for the summer session
Despite all of my study efforts I could not help but to leave the exam room feeling some depression
It wasn’t a slam dunk. I’m not sure that I did well
I feel the same as I did last semester…on the past I should not dwell
For this exam I prepared the same way I did previously
Two days a week I meet with the professor, I read ahead anxiously
Every night I do the homework problems, I have a study buddy too
The night before the exam I went to the library and studied almost until two
As I await the results I teeter between optimism and despair
I find myself not breathing and gasping for air
Clearly I’m drowning in a situation that I have designed
I pushed myself off of the boat, I’m the reason I’m not fine
This lifeguard needs a lifeguard to lend a helping hand
To throw a buoy or something, bring this wayward soul back to land
Yes these are the rantings of a pseudo-geek with a grade “A” fixation
I have standards (Damn it!) and I wish to achieve near-perfection
I have a modified definition of failure, for academics it’s a “C”
In all other aspects failure is being mediocre. I am not a girl who’s ordinary
However, I am not flawless either, many blemishes can be found
We are all made in His image of perfection, but we all fall short of His crown
I’m not trying to make it seem as if failure is not a part of my life (Rest assured it is)
I’m just like everyone else who is forced to eat humble pie; I’m experiencing a little strife.

The explanation:
Chemistry has always been my Achilles’ heel. I had to drop General Chemistry 1 and retake it. It was the first time I actually couldn’t perform well in a course. It was a COMPLETE SHOCK to my system. I hoped that I wouldn’t have to do the same for Organic Chemistry, but I was wrong. I was getting a D in the course during the spring semester, I was DEVASTATED. What made it worse was my professor telling me that I was on track and performing well. Clearly he was on drugs OR he was underestimating my potential. With a heavy heart and lots of consternation I dropped the class. Now I’m in summer school. I’m determined to make the best out of this stressful situation. I’m paying with my MONEY (jeez summer school is EXPENSIVE), my time and my energy. There better be a return on my investment.

The verdict:
We got our exams back today. I dud much better than I thought….I GOT A 96%....SLAM DUNK! (It barely touched the net…)